Coming out of the trap
Carla struggled to dress for work. Her body was sore, and her spirit was beaten.
The bruises wouldn’t show; her husband never left marks that others would see, though sometimes she needed to dress carefully.
Carla still remembered the shock she felt the first time his fist landed on her body. How could someone I love hurt me in this way?
As she pulled on her clothes, she tried to figure out how she had gotten to this point. What had happened to her? What had happened to her marriage? What did she do to provoke her husband’s lashing out? Why was he so controlling? And where was God? The last question felt hollow and hopeless. Did God care about her?
Like a robot, Carla got through her work day. As she drove home, she surprised herself by turning toward her church. A glimmer of hope flickered as she saw the pastor’s car in the church parking lot. As she entered the church, the pastor greeted her and invited her in to talk. Slowly, Carla told her story.
She spoke of her early love for her husband and her hopes for her marriage. She always knew her husband had a temper, but he had never physically hurt her until . . . some months after they married. She still remembered the shock she felt the first time his fist landed on her body. How could someone I love hurt me in this way? She could hardly speak of her enormous grief. . . .
Abuse occurs in all cultures, and among both rich and poor. While they are never an excuse, several factors can increase the risk of abuse: personality characteristics that include a need to control; parental models of abuse; beliefs that women are inferior to men; or financial stress in the home.
While both husbands and wives abuse in various ways, most often it is the women who suffer physical abuse. Women experience more severe injuries, and they are more likely to be killed by their partners. Women are also most at risk of danger when they attempt to leave the relationship (although staying is also dangerous, since abuse tends to escalate over time).
Behavior that appears angry is usually an expression of control more than of anger. The behavior can include limiting the partner’s social life, uttering threats, denying financial resources, or using humiliation and insults. The abuser is likely not “out of control”; the violence is usually carried out in a planned way, at particular times and places, so that the marks of the violence do not show. . . .
Abuse, the Bible, and the Christian story
Psalm 55 could have been written by a person facing abuse at the hands of her spouse. “It is not my enemies who taunt me . . . it is you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend, with whom I kept pleasant company. My companion . . . violated a covenant with me” (vv. 12–14a, 20).
Throughout Scripture, we read of a God who listens to the cries of oppressed people and who acts to save them. The liberation of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt is a central story in the Bible. Over and over we read of God showing compassion for people who are caught in traps of hurt and fear (for example, Hagar in
Genesis 21, or the woman about to be stoned in
John 8).
The Christian community is a key partner with God in bringing wholeness to broken relationships. It is called to deal with violence, protect those who are hurt, and invite all people to live lives of love and peace. As we follow Christ, our broken selves can be made whole again. Damaged marriages can be healed. Even if marriages must end because of abuse or unfaithfulness, new beginnings are possible. . . .
Steps toward freedom and healing
If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, you can find your way to wholeness. But it requires the support of others, and it usually takes a long time. Where can you begin? Here are some basic steps:
- Tell someone what you are experiencing. Abuse usually happens in a climate of secrecy and shame. The most important step you can take is to tell someone, as frightening as that might feel. This person could be a trusted friend or relative, a member of your church, your pastor, or – if you fear that one of these will tell your spouse – a crisis line (numbers are usually listed at the front of phone books). It is especially important to choose a good listener who will take your experience seriously, hold your story in confidence, and not blame you or defend your spouse.
- Know that you are loved. You may have come to feel that you have little worth. You may find it difficult to receive or even acknowledge God’s love. You may suffer from depression. All of these are common responses to abuse in the home. In your healing journey, it will be important to claim your worth and to build your confidence as a precious child of God. Knowing that you are loved, you can have courage to tell others about your needs, including any needs you have for shelter or finances. . . .
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